And in the space of transformation, I get that I am the context in which the nexis of thoughts, feelings, body sensations, pictures, etc., which presents in various forms as "I am inadequate, and must hide it because if I don't by survival is threatened" exists.
It's all old programming. It's mechanical. And instead of resisting it, as I have been dong unconsciously for years, I'm simply willing to let it be. To express it. To talk about it with those who can understand what I'm saying.
I can have my future be about something other than this old shit.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Watching the Film and Discovering a Core Paradigm
I haven't posted on here in about 10 months. Perhaps it's because I'm so busy in the academic year; the summer months allow for more time for reflection and writing.
Last summer, I suggested that the Werner Erhard documentary TRANSFORMATION: THE LIFE AND LEGACY OF WERNER ERHARD might be more of an "informercial" than a true histroical documentary, especially since much of the funding seems to have come, through Eagle Island Films, from people close to Werner .
I ordered it, of course, once it became available on DVD. It is a fantastic look at the best of Werner Erhard, especially his extraordinary work. It put me in touch with the power and excitement and sense of possibility and commitment that was so palpable when I was active with est and WE&A in the early 1980s.
And out of watching the video, something had opened for me, shifted for me, and I saw, really saw, how my life has been organized around a decision I made early in life that "I am inadequate." Inadequate physically, inadequate in my masculinity, inadequate musically, inadequate intellectually, inadequate this, inadequate that. No matter what I do, I end up "feeling" and believeing I'm inadequate. The covering it up with accomplishments, which never seem to fulfill my fantasy of them, and making my house a mess and my finances a mess, too.
It's kind of "I'm inadequate and need Dad to rescue me." That's how I got love from my Dad, by being needy, cause he loves to give help.
I've seen this on different levels before, but it hit me in a new way after experiencing the clips of Werner in the film. So as an opportunity to engage with a film in a way that can create an opportunity for transformation, this is an amazing gift.
Last summer, I suggested that the Werner Erhard documentary TRANSFORMATION: THE LIFE AND LEGACY OF WERNER ERHARD might be more of an "informercial" than a true histroical documentary, especially since much of the funding seems to have come, through Eagle Island Films, from people close to Werner .
I ordered it, of course, once it became available on DVD. It is a fantastic look at the best of Werner Erhard, especially his extraordinary work. It put me in touch with the power and excitement and sense of possibility and commitment that was so palpable when I was active with est and WE&A in the early 1980s.
And out of watching the video, something had opened for me, shifted for me, and I saw, really saw, how my life has been organized around a decision I made early in life that "I am inadequate." Inadequate physically, inadequate in my masculinity, inadequate musically, inadequate intellectually, inadequate this, inadequate that. No matter what I do, I end up "feeling" and believeing I'm inadequate. The covering it up with accomplishments, which never seem to fulfill my fantasy of them, and making my house a mess and my finances a mess, too.
It's kind of "I'm inadequate and need Dad to rescue me." That's how I got love from my Dad, by being needy, cause he loves to give help.
I've seen this on different levels before, but it hit me in a new way after experiencing the clips of Werner in the film. So as an opportunity to engage with a film in a way that can create an opportunity for transformation, this is an amazing gift.
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