Back to what started all this in the first place: the stuff that gets triggered when I start a big project, one I know I have the skills for, such as selling some instruments online. I realize it is also the stuff that gets in the way of other things. Right now especially aware of making an offer to play somewhere, like a nursing home, and (believe it or not) getting my hair cut in a barber shop rather than by a hair stylist in a low-priced salon in a strip mall, Wal-Mart, etc. As a matter of fact, I have stuff come up about getting my hair cut at all.
It hit me today: it's all about a fear of rejection. That I'll be told I'm not good enough, that I'll be humiliated, made fun of, etc. That I will be in some horrible trouble. That I will be cast out.
Hmmm. Gay man, child of an alcoholic who was often emotionally abusive and by whom I felt unloved while growing up, especially as a teenager, who was physically weak and uncoordinated compared to other boys, who was teased and ridiculed and frequently felt embarrassment, shame and humiliation, and who decided he was inferior.
How could it be that this kid would grow up into someone who a fear of rejection and failure come up when he takes on something new?
Now this is where my (never met in person) friend Werner Erhard comes in. What I got way back when is that if I let this be, if I don't resist it, I don't have to be run by it. I can allow myself to re-experience and release (or "dissapear") the emotional charge of the traumatizing experiences. And, meanwhile, I know that "I" am not those feelings. "I" am bigger than that.
Right now, I'm letting memories and feelings come up, not stuffing them down, not disowning them. I'm open to experiencing them, and, as Werner put it way back when, "completing" the experience.
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