Not quite what I expected

My goodness.

Writing that last post--which I had expected to be about something else entirely--brought me back to 1984 and this pivotal time in my life. And how in so many ways I hid myself--stayed in the classical music world (especially the classical music education world), married a woman when the honest part of me knew I was gay (so did she, but that's another story), and essentially acted out a life which would earn me the approval of my parents, the approval I so much wanted.

And I had a strong belief that my sexual attraction to men, which was and is mixed with feelings of envy and of often feeling quite feminine, was something I could "choose" to replace.

What I really wanted to do was work that made a true difference in the quality of life for other people, knowing that making a difference is the biggest way to have a difference made in one's life. You experience love by giving it.

Then I went pretty unconscious about the whole business.

And no wonder I have continued to dislike so much about being a college music professor, and to have a constant sense of wanting to be doing something else, of being an actor playing a part.

This is all coming up as a result of choosing/deciding to just observe what is going on with me, and not try to change or fix it.